Tuesday, April 04, 2017

Tuesday, April 4, 2017


Old Testament: Jeremiah 25:8-27
Morning Psalms: Psalms 120,121, 122, 123
New Testament: Romans 10:1-13
Gospel: John 9:18-41
Evening Psalms: Psalms 124, 125, 126, 127


On December 23rd, 2004, I had a stroke. I was 40 years old, in perfect health (I thought). My children were 10, 6, and 1. I was training for a half-marathon. My career as a therapist was thriving. I was homeschooling my oldest child. The Christmas gifts were bought and wrapped; the sweets were baked. I was superwoman. And then I wasn’t.

I was unable to remember the words for common objects, the 7 continents, or even what date it was. I couldn’t pick up a paper clip or even zip up my jacket. Christmas was in the hospital, with stockings hung on my IV stand with care. Afterward, I was unable to drive, cook, or even take care of my baby. I was helpless.

I was also blind, just like the Pharisees in John 9. I spent the next few years blindly struggling to live what I thought was “a good life.” I returned to work, home schooled my first and second children, taught Sunday school, and joined a bible study. I added more, more, more to live “a good life” and to return to my former superwoman self. I thought I was in charge. I couldn’t see that having a stroke was actually a gift, a gentle reminder that I am not in charge.
“I call on the LORD in my distress, and he answers me.
Save me, LORD, from lying lips and from deceitful tongues.”
  (Psalm 120:1-2)

Eventually I began to drown in my life. I felt overwhelmed, wrung out. I was engulfed in grief for the year and the memories that I lost. I felt completely and totally inadequate. I was not superwoman – I couldn’t even love well. So overpowering was this grief, this dense black hole that I was in, that I would wake up in the middle of the night and go downstairs and write in my journal how I was a terrible mother, wretched wife…… I cried out to God in the middle of the night, and He answered, “You are not in charge. Cast all your anxieties on Me. Let ME fill you up.”

This was a turning point for me. I began the long slow realization that it is not all up to me. I am not in charge. That, in fact, “The Lord is (my) Keeper….He will keep (my) soul.” (Psalm 121: 5, 7)
PF (3/19/13)

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